Boundaries show where one thing ends and another begins. Boundaries in a relationship are kind of like this; they help each person figure out where one person ends and the other begins. In short, boundaries help you define what you are comfortable with and how you would like to be treated by others.
The Most high has outlined His boundaries in the scriptures and they go into effect every time we disregard , violate or obey them.
Boundaries allow others to retain their free will . When they deciding if they will comply with another’s boundaries or not. The fact that they can choose not to comply helps to retain one’s autonomy. In setting boundaries it is important that the consequences matter to the other party. In this way operant conditioning will work for them. They should also be agreed upon by them. When The Most High gave Moses His boundaries the children of Israel had to agree with them before they went into effect.
Then all the people answered together and said, “All that the Almighty has spoken we will do.” So Moses brought back the words of the people to the Almighty.
exodus 19 v 8
Relationships work best with boundaries and those in authority can avoid controlling and manipulating people under their authority by setting them. Boundaries help us to be authentic and operate with genuine desire. They help us to say yes and no from a real place.
A well set boundary will have the behavior or action that is to be avoided or done and the consequence or reward if it is not done or done. In the case of The Most High He equates the measure of love we have for Him to our willingness to obey His boundaries.
This day I call the heavens and the earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live
deuteronomy 30 v 15
“If you love me, obey my commandments.
John 14 v 15
More on Boundaries
Healthy boundaries are important for all types of relationships and setting boundaries is considered an important relationship skill. (Cherry et al, 2021, Ciarrochi, Bilich, & Godsell, 2010, Davila et al, 2017, Ennenbach, 2014).
Insight and self-awareness are the abilities to understand your own motivations, needs, values. Insight allows us to understand ourselves better and to communicate our needs to our family, friends, and partners. Without insight we may not understand or even be able to identify our boundaries.
Acceptance, in the context of talking about boundaries, is embracing the belief that everybody has needs and that those needs are important. Acceptance allows us to hold that our needs are important as well as meeting the needs of the people around us. (Davila et al, 2017, Ennenbach, 2014).
Psychological flexibility, on the other hand, is when we accept the reality of the situation, accept our own thoughts, feelings, emotions, and consider our values—all of which informs our behavior for that given moment. (Cherry et al, 2021, Ciarrochi, Bilich, & Godsell, 2010). We use psychological flexibility to create and communicate boundaries for each situation rather than imposing a one size fits all approach.
Sometimes we need boundaries to protect ourselves, especially from people that do not demonstrate that they value and respect others. (e.g. narcissists, abusers). However, by practicing and cultivating our own insight and awareness, we can get to know ourselves in a deeper way, and share that with our partners, friends, and family. Boundaries can be a way of demonstrating compassion towards yourself and compassion towards others.
Example of Boundary setting
It is 5:30 PM and you’re getting ready to wrap up work within half an hour. Your boss comes by and asks you to work on a project tonight. You estimate the task she’s asking you to complete will take an additional two more hours. You didn’t sleep well the night before and did not have time to prepare a meal for lunch and have been sustaining yourself with coffee and snacks.
Questions to consider:
- What is your capacity (emotional, physical, and other) at this moment?
- What is the reality of the situation? How are your boundaries likely to be received?
- If you decide to say no to a request due to limited capacity, is there something else you can offer within your capacity.
After considering the questions, you are reminded that you really value and need at least seven hours of sleep to function well otherwise your mood drops. You tend to get hungry frequently and have a fast metabolism. The reality of the situation is that there have been several layoffs this year and you need the income, but also have a small savings account. Your boss is very challenging but has shown some compassion in the past.
Possible responses:
Response 1: You tell your boss you are willing to complete the task tonight and plan to take a break at 6 PM to find dinner and relax for half an hour. After that, you plan to complete your task and be done by 8:30 PM.
Response 2: You tell your boss you are unable to work on the project tonight but plan on getting up early tomorrow to work on it.
Response 3: You expressed gratitude to your boss for considering you on this project and share that you are unable to work on the project tonight, as you are not feeling well today. You gently remind her that you are committed to the team and have worked on several other tasks during off-hours earlier this week. You recommend she asks another colleague.
Boundaries help relationships to work for us and others
Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.” Prentis Hemphill
And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy Neighbour as thyself.
Mathew 22 v 36
“Many survivors are used to the ‘wait and see’ tactic which only leaves them vulnerable to a second attack. As your boundaries get stronger, the wait time gets shorter. You never have justify your intuition.”
Boundaries can feel daunting for many of us. But when we take careful consideration we can create boundaries that are compassionate to ourselves and the people around us. In doing so we might find ourselves feeling closer, safer, and more energized in our relationships. Boundaries do not need to be perfect and are a dynamic, lifelong practice.
When we do not set boundaries, we enable and condone disrespectful behavior towards us. This makes us guilty of self-hate as well as not being helpful to the other person. Those in authority are more guilty because the scripture demands that honor and respect be shown to those in authority. While we can’t force others to respect our boundaries, if they are well set, they will protect us from hurtful behavior.
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Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the Almighty your God/Elohim is giving you.
Exodus 20 v 12
“Whoever curses his father or his mother shall be put to death. 17 “Anyone who dishonors father or mother must be put to death. 17 “If someone curses father or mother, the penalty is death.
exodus 21 v 17
Features of good boundaries
Good boundaries are:
- verbalized.
- Have consequences for violation
- Are agreed upon by all parties affected
- Have conditions
- Is beneficial to both parties
So, often we realize we need boundaries because we feel offended by someone’s actions. Our first response should be to evaluate whether the offence is legitimate or not. Was the action truly a violation of fair conduct or was it just a violation of a cultural norm. Then we should confront the individual if we can’t overlook the action especially if the relationship is long term. It is usually best to confront by telling how the persons actions affect us, instead of accusing them of hurting us.
If this does not work, and the behavior continues then we should set a boundary that has a consequence if the behavior should happen again. This should ideally be agreed upon by both parties.
The conditions that will activate the consequences should be clearly stated , understood and agreed upon by all parties.
The bible has many boundaries because The Almighty uses them to protect our free will, help us to be better at pleasing Him and by so doing be better humans.
The knowledge of consequences are very effective in helping us to change our behavior. Especially if we care about pleasing the boundary setter. Which is why The Most high uses it as a marker for how much we love Him.
Boundaries help us to guard our hearts
“Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” Proverbs 4 v 23
The absence of boundaries cause offence to run rampant when actions/ behaviors that cause offence are ongoing. This usually ultimately leads to the demise of many relationships. Malice is often used as an alternative to boundaries, as consequences are often designed and put into effect by the offended party without informimg the offender that this is happening. The offender is therefore feels unloved and rejected when this happens.
Setting boundaries prevents offence from growing and help us to walk in love with others.
“I call heaven and earth to record this day against you, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and cursing: therefore choose life, that both thou and thy seed may live:”
deut 30
Here we can clearly see how boundaries protect our autonomy and our right to choose. They also allow us to suffer the consequences of our choices or be rewarded. We were designed as humans to be free to make choices. When that is taken away, we are prone to become unhappy and defiant.
Boundaries give us an opportunity to use our free will in deciding whether to comply with the boundary or not. Often the consequence of ignoring the boundary will cost us the relationship with the person.
Boundaries also protect us from ongoing offence which can lead to hate and bitterness and toxicity.